Que Sarah, Sarah

Belated change of address notification

2008-01-08T11:50:00.000-08:00

We're over here now.

It'll be good to catch up with them.

2007-04-20T14:37:00.001-07:00

Salesguy J - *looks out the windows at the rain* "Did you call somebody to get this turned off and moped up?"

Valancy Jane - "Yeah, I called the property management, and they're sending someone right over they said ......"

Salesguy J - "Oh good."

Valancy Jane - "..... but I think they're from county mental health."

One man's trash .......

2007-04-20T14:36:00.001-07:00

What exactly does this person think anybody is going to DO with this?

Hi... this microwave does not heat anymore, but it turns on and all other functions are OK.

A bedside table with built in clock?

A very small bookshelf?

Low visibility rotating display case?

Blame it on the bassa nova.

2007-04-20T12:40:00.000-07:00

It was about a year ago, that the emails between Nick and I started to heat up, and we started including favorite songs, or whatever it was we were listening to at the time.

I sent him one of my favorite songs, and told him how it made me think of beaches and dancing very close and very slow in a very large crowd. And how no matter how I was feeling, Patria by Ruben Blades always made me take a deep breath and think about beaches and dancing close and slow, i.e. all that is good and healthy in life, and no matter what was bothering me, it couldn't take away beaches and dancing.

Nick's response was to ask if it was alright that he had a crush on me, just a little one.

So if you think I liked that song before .........

Last night I was pretty frustrated with life. I had lots of laundry to do, insurance forms to fill out, a LOT of birds to feed, bunny veggies to pick up and a payment to wire because I'd waited until the last minute and couldn't find my account number. And we were out of Q-Tips.

Also, if you're paying attention, you will know I was PMSing. (But I think mostly it was the Q-Tip thing.)

And when I'm PMSing, I'm not so much grouchy or bitchy, per se, it's just that my ability to deal with life diminishes. And I will freely admit that it's not an attractive emotion on me. I want to hold whoever is in front of me responsible for how I'm feeling, and the fact that it's completely irrational just makes me feel guilty and then I hold them responsible for THAT because if they weren't standing in front of me I would be feeling angry at just a wall or something, so it really is all their fault anyway. It spirals. And the moment I most need a hug, I'm really the least likely to inspire someone to hug me.

But that's just what my Knickers did.

He's way better medicine than any song. Better than beaches and dancing, too.

Not everything in life is a joke.

2007-04-20T11:27:00.000-07:00

But sometimes it feels that way.

I know that joking around on your dental insurance forms probably isn’t a good idea, but with questions (set ups?) like “Primary language” (None, puppy dog eyes, total and complete lies!) and “Communication impairments”(Suspicious, oversensitive to criticism, tendency to interrupt) how am I supposed to resist?

Question.

2007-04-20T10:34:00.000-07:00

Has anyone ever died from cramps?

Just wondering.

Tell Knickers I love him, and that we're low on cat food.

It's like the most painless way to have a baby.

2007-04-19T12:03:00.000-07:00

For about nine months now, Nick has been collecting parts, genetically engineering his little uberbike.

Yesterday his rims arrived, and Nick was so anxious to try out his new truing stand that he jumped from the car before I'd fully stopped in the driveway.

After several hours of labor, I was tired. Watching someone try to braid a couple dozen spokes into a round frame, man, it really wears me out. Putting on the tubeless tires went well. I'd been a little nervous about that part, ever since Nick told me that when his friend Steve had attempted it, the pressure had blown the sticky stuff ALL OVER THE ROOM, in what Steve described as resembling a 40-man jizz fest.

A hilarious mental picture perhaps, but not one I wanted recreated in my living room.

Eventually, I wandered off to bed, and without the aid of an epidural or any other drugs, fell fast asleep.

And when I awoke, we had our new baby.

She's pink and shiny and the most perfect bike ever. We can tell already that she's going to be smart.

There will be lots of pictures to follow. Lots and lots and lots, if I know my Knickers. Pictures here, pictures on his flickr page, and probably pictures in his wallet. Next to the ones of Luca.

I’m like a priest. Well, not at all, really, only in the way that everyone confesses to a priest. Otherwise, I’m very un-priest-like.

2007-04-19T10:04:00.000-07:00

Why does everyone at work tell me EVERYTHING?

I mean, I know the answer to that question, and it’s that for three years I’ve maintained a pretty much perfect record of not gossiping, of being a good listener, and being discreet.

And I won’t pretend that I’m not, as Edith Wharton puts it in The Age of Innocence, “fully aware that [my] reputation for discretion increased [my] opportunities of finding out what [I] wanted to know.”

It’s has come in handy on rare occasion. But by and large, I don’t want to know.

What is it exactly that I know?

Lots of things. Everything short of where the bodies are buried. Straight from the horses mouth. Stuff that would make you say “Wow” and you don’t even know the people in question.

And most days it’s fine, but today is one of those rare days when I’m dying to spill.

End rant. I’m ok now.

I suppose you're wondering why I've called you all together today.

2007-04-18T14:46:00.000-07:00

I need you, my Board of Directors, to help determine the future of ValancyJane Enterprises, Inc.

And yes, I have decided to return to the name Valancy Jane. For a while I used Sarah Smile, because it was closer to my real name and I wanted to prove that I wasn't afraid to put my name on what I wrote, and also for the sentimental reason that My Nick calls me Sarah, which made me like my given name for pretty much the first time ever.
Both excellent points but I feel they've been made.
For personal branding reasons, and also personal preference, I am returning to Valancy Jane.

But on to more pressing matters.

As you all by now probably know, on Friday at 12:30pm, Google "disabled" my account. To be shut out of both my gmail and blogger accounts without so much as a warning was a bit like coming home to find that your longtime lover had locked you out and wouldn't let you see your kids. I over-dramatize here, but only a little.

Five days later, Google, again with no explanation, simply a form letter apology, has reopened the doors.

But where did I go for those five days?

Most of you know, most of you found my comment on the post below (commenting on your own blog feels like ringing your own doorbell) that I, in my dire loneliness, had gone to Wordpress. And preceded to get very comfy there.
Go look. My shoes are definitely off. My toothbrush is next to the sink.
See, I had no idea if Google would EVER let me back.

But it has, so now I feel like Kate Bekinsale in that Pearl Harbor movie.
Like a nurse in the war and my fiancee is supposedly dead so I start dating Josh Hartnett and have that great sex scene amidst the hanging parachutes, and then Ben Affleck comes back because he was never really dead and now who do I marry?
As you can see, it's been an emotional five days.
And it's not a choice between Josh and Ben, because that would be easy (hellooooooooo, Ben, duh). It's a choice between my two blogs.
Ignore my little wordpress blog like a pregnancy I aborted ("I just wasn't prepared to raise another blog! It's my choice!") or move out of the blogger blog I've built up and worked on, like a sad old victorian house that you walk past and wonder about, while it's porch sags and it's corners fill up with spam comments?
(Again, I over-dramatize, but only a smidge.)

I need your advice.

To help, I present the following -

Reasons to stay with Google/Blogger -
Logical - more leeway with the layouts, nobody has to update their links to me, no 'old blog - new blog' confusion when googled.
Emotional - we have history together, up until five days ago it's been very good to me, it's comfortable.

Reasons to stay with Wordpress -
Logical - It's better (no really, technologically speaking, it's more advanced and easy to use), I can import all my old posts so it all stays together, and I can have 'valancyjane' as the address instead of 'vjgreetings' which only made sense back when the title of the blog was 'greetings from the lobby.'
Emotional - It never kicked me to the curb, in fact it took me in when I had nowhere to post.

You now have the floor, ladies and gentlemen.

So then I said ....

2007-04-13T11:31:00.000-07:00

.... *gestures to her christmas-in-the-trailer-park-with-festive-flamingo pajamas*
In this competition, in most contests here at work, in life in general, really, I'm competing in the catagory of "Most Unique."

"Pajama Jammy Jam"

2007-04-13T09:49:00.000-07:00

That's the official name of our pajama day here at work today.

And it's funny really.
I've written before about Pajama Days and how much I love them and wish there were more of them.
I was really excited about Pajama Day here at work.

But now that we're all here, it's awkward. Too ........... intimate. Not that anybody is wearing anything sexy or inappropriate. To the contrary, really. It's like, slumber party-wear. What you wear when you have houseguests. You know, the slightly cleaned up version of what you really sleep in. The version where you're fully covered and everything matches. Where you dig out the matching (to the pjs AND to each other) slippers, instead of the dirty and cat hair covered comfy ones you usually wear.

But even that is a view of my coworkers that I've never had. That I'm happy to never have of some of them.

It would almost be better to have a naked day. At least then I could get a few snickers in before I avert my eyes.

Also, he was smirking.

2007-04-13T09:34:00.000-07:00

My Nick - "Hold out your hand."

Sarah Smile - "Why?"

My Nick - "Dude, hold out your hand."

Sarah Smile - "You're holding a shot glass."

My Nick - "Yeah. So?"

Sarah Smile - "And a lighter."

11 Months

2007-04-12T17:03:00.000-07:00

With all the hurry-up-and-wait of the company healthcare meeting today, I find myself with very little time left to blog about our 11 month anniversary.

Hellooooo, people. I wanna go blog about my boyfriend. Can we hurry up with this work stuff?
Priorities here.
Sheesh.

And so all I'll say, all I have time to say, all I really need to say, is that Nick will be here any minute, like every day. And I'm looking for him, like every day. And when I see him, everything will instantly get a little bit better. Like every day.

His company makes everything, every day, better.

"Does this plan cover brain damage caused by ridiculously long meetings?"

2007-04-12T16:32:00.000-07:00

I wanted to ask, but I suspect she would have assumed it was a legitimate question, and then the meeting would have been longer.

I swear I think the left half of my brain is numb.
It literally feels numb.
More numb than my ass.
I feel so much dumber than when I went in.
*jiggles*
Maybe this will bring the feeling back.

And if that's a dumb idea, blame the meeting.

I always said when I had enough pets, I'd stop.

2007-04-12T14:35:00.000-07:00

Nobody seemed to believe me. But I always knew I meant it.
Just because that threshold was farther out than most people's, doesn't mean it didn't exist.

*sigh*

There's been another accidental finch pregnancy. See, Maddox is such a punk that he fights with everyone but Hazel, even his own kids, and I can't put him by himself, so I have to keep him with Hazel the Prolific.
The method of birth control we've been using so far is for me to raid her nest and throw out the eggs. But she makes this strangled chirping noise when I do it, and I feel so bad upsetting her that I only do it when I see eggs in there.
And Hazel's gotten sneaky, hiding them under the nest bedding.
But I really have no one to blame but myself when I looked in and saw three little open beaks pointed back at me.

Of course I'll take great care of them, since they're my responsibility, but I think I'm going to try to find them another good home. It's not that I'd say these three additions push us into the range of Too Many Birds, but they definitely tip us into Enough Birds.

I have enough birds.

In the meantime, I get the fun of watching them grow up. Last night, the biggest of the three came out of the nest for the first time! Isn't s/he adorable?Soon his/her markings will come in, and then we'll know if he or she is in fact, a he or a she.
And I'll have the fun of setting up a big pretty cage for 'em with toys.

And then the hard part.

*sigh*

Anybody want some sweet little finches?

Ask him nicely and he'll send it to you. Then this will be even funnier.

2007-04-12T13:40:00.000-07:00

Sarah Smile says:
This song is awesome.
And I'm not just saying that because the mailman just gave me a really weird look.
Although I did enjoy that.

Jonny Opinion says:
What song?

Sarah Smile says:
The Necessary Properties of Moses, that you sent me earlier.

Jonny Opinion says:
haha
I'm glad you called it a song.
But try singing it in the shower.

Sarah Smile says:
I will, actually.
Nick might check on me, to make sure I'm alright.

I shouldn't have started looking.

2007-04-12T12:14:00.000-07:00

Because suddenly I don't know how I ever lived without these.Don't look at me like that.
Sure they're shiny and odd looking, but frankly, so am I.
We belong to each other.
Shoes like this deserve to be worn, and I think I'm the girl to do it.
If you agree, er ............ send money.

Mo' money, mo' problems?

2007-04-12T10:27:00.000-07:00

Something happened while Nick and I were doing my taxes, something that shook me to my core, that messed with my very sense of identity.

It came right down the wire about whether or not I would end up OWING state taxes or getting a refund.

Either way, it was going to be a small enough amount of money that it didn't really matter. It's more the principle of the matter. Since when do I make enough money to be in that income bracket?

Ok, there is an answer to that question, it pretty much dates back to my last raise. Like, it adds up when I do the math, but like my age, it's sorta crept up on me.

I suddenly feel like such a grown up.
Lets see if that feeling lasts until I get my refund. (And yes, it worked out that way, I'll be getting a small refund.) Lets see whether or not I use it for student loans or ............... this.

Oh who am I kidding. The federal refund I'll use sensibly, but they might as well send my state refund right over to Anthropologie. With a note in the memo section, with my shipping info and the words "for these".

Confessions of the Chronic Interrupter.

2007-04-11T17:02:00.000-07:00

" It's not that I stopped listening ......
.... it's just that I started talking."

"About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment." - Josh Billings (1818 - 1885)

2007-04-11T13:42:00.000-07:00

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.
- AA Milne

It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.
- Robert Anton Wilson

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.
- John Maynard Keynes

The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath.
- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart

Exit, pursued by a bear.
- William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616), Stage direction in "The Winter's Tale"

There's always somebody who is paid too much, and taxed too little - and it's always somebody else.
- Cullen Hightower

Look for the ridiculous in everything and you will find it.
- Jules Renard (1864 - 1910)

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.
- Kurt Vonnegut (1922 - )

Ninety percent of everything is crap.
- Theodore Sturgeon (1918 - 1985)

Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.
- Philip K. Dick (1928 - 1982), Valis

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
- David Letterman (1947 - )

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
- Orson Welles (1915 - 1985)

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
- George Carlin (1937 - )

There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it?
- Kin Hubbard (1868 - 1930)

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
- Quentin Crisp

Either I've been missing something or nothing has been going on.
- Karen Elizabeth Gordon

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
- Evan Davis

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.
- Mitch Hedberg (1968 - 2005)

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
- Mitch Hedberg (1968 - 2005)

With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means 'go', green means 'whoa, slow down', and red means 'where the heck did you get that banana?'
- Mitch Hedberg (1968 - 2005)

There are more fools in the world than there are people.
- Heinrich Heine (1797 - 1856)

Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original, you will have to ram it down their throats.
- Howard Aiken (1900 - 1973)

Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.
- Soren Kierkegaard (1813 - 1855)

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy.
- W. C. Fields (1880 - 1946)

Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience.
- Bill Watterson (1958 - ), Calvin & Hobbes

Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.
- Truman Capote (1924 - 1984)

My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular.
- Adlai E. Stevenson Jr. (1900 - 1965), Speech in Detroit, 7 Oct. 1952

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter because nobody listens.
- Nick Diamos

More Luca!

2007-04-11T11:32:00.000-07:00

Because who doesn't need more Luca? I mean, could you possibly look at this picture and not feel better about life? Or this one?
I defy you to try.

So in the interests of public mental health, I bring you WucaBear Face .......

..... and Sleepy WucaBear Face .......

.....Luca with Kylie (left) and Mister (right). Note that of the twelve feet this mass of dog collectively owns, only four are on the ground .....And best of all, Luca in clothes.
Horrible? Perhaps.
Worth it? Hell yeah.

(Photo credit to Nick for all of these.)

Happiness isn't always so complex.

2007-04-11T09:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's as simple as feeding fruits and veggies to Rudolf.

He KNOWS his drawer in the fridge and the rustle of the produce bags and he stands up and his nose twitches in double time, and then he uses his hammock as a trampoline. It's so cute it makes my chest hurt.

Also, he loves cilantro. And that makes me want to kiss his face even more, because he has cilantro breath.

Make your own flip book!

2007-04-11T09:26:00.000-07:00

(Photo credit to My Knickers)

Could they send me a tape player too?

2007-04-11T08:13:00.000-07:00

Radio - "..... call now for my free tape. You don't have to live with depression and anxiety....."

Sarah Smile - "I wanna call and request a free CD or podcast. 'Oooooooh, we just assumed if you had a CD player you wouldn't be depressed...'."

My Nick - "I bet, despite having no mention of it, that's it's all about Jesus. I bet that's the 'real, drug-free help.' I bet she's building a Jesus army."

Sarah Smile - "Of depressed people? That's awesome. 'Bow to my will, or I will send my depressed army to sit in your living room and listen to Kurt Cobain until you break.'"

My Nick - "What's wrong with Kurt Cobain? His music wasn't so depressive. He just collapsed in on his own genius."

Sarah Smile - "Sorry, I have no idea what music depressed people listen to -"

My Nick - "Kelly Clarkson?"

Sarah Smile - "HA! See, when I'm depressed, I don't listen to music. I turn on the TV and watch old episodes of the Jenny Jones Show. That's the soundtrack to my depression."

I never remember if it's "good morning" or "good afternoon."

2007-04-10T15:12:00.000-07:00

Sarah Smile - "Good morning, [company name], this is Sarah, how can I help you?"

Caller - "Thank god it isn't morning anymore."

Sarah Smile - "Uh, yes. And I wanted you to think about that. I wanted us to all have reality check about how grateful we should all be that the day is progressing along nicely toward the time when we can all go home. I wanted us to take a moment and ponder the small blessings. That's what I was trying to do, and it certainly wasn't a mistake on my part. Yeah."

See what they're capable of?

2007-04-10T12:14:00.000-07:00

This is why I don't let Mau out alone.

He wouldn't just head down to a fish and chips shop, either. He'd go to NASA or the Pentagon. And then for fish and chips. He likes fries.

(Thanks to MK for the link.)

So Then Jesse Said...

2007-04-10T11:50:00.000-07:00

.... "Great. Now I have rug burn on my lips."

I miss my cousins already.

The two handsomest fellas in the world.

2007-04-10T11:01:00.000-07:00

"Live Bait Pet Shop"

2007-04-10T10:57:00.000-07:00

Sarah Smile - "Oh god."

My Nick - "I saw that too. Don't worry, though. I looked carefully, and they're two SEPARATE establishments."

Sarah Smile - "Whew."

Blech!

2007-04-10T10:52:00.000-07:00

Note to self - Don't keep both jelly beans and advil in your pocket.

So then I said ....

2007-04-09T14:29:00.000-07:00

"You know, that's the second time this week I've seen EMTs parked outside that pizza place. So either they REALLY like their pizza, or that place kills people."

The trip was a little over 24 hours, which is almost how long it took to write this post.

2007-04-09T11:38:00.000-07:00

Jesse (my brother), Bethany (my sister in law) and I started the trip as all good road trips should. At Carls Jr.

Here is Jesse, driving.
After only an hour, we had assumed road trip positions. Jesse driving, Bethany napping, me .... wiggling my toes, drinking a large soda, and filming the two of them.

I saw a strange cloud that looked like PacMan eating an S. I took it as a sign of ............. something.
And this is what it looked like out the window.
We stopped at Jack in the Box so I could buy a kids toy and also, pee. Jesse bought another large soda and did not pee. Jesse is a CAMEL.
This is also what it looked like outside the window.
We received word on the way up that our other cousin Julie had had her baby, a girl named Ella Katherine. I'm certain, with our genetics, they're not exaggerating at all when they say she's beautiful.

Just as we were about to get off at the exit to Cousin Liz's house, we discovered that it was detoured. We had to go way around, and Jesse's car's GPS system said "recalculating" so many times that she (American English Jill) started to sound really annoyed with us.

Once we got there, we wasted no time in diving into dinner. Headfirst. Well, no, fingers first. Head second.

Here is my cousin Bekah, Jesse and and my cousin Jordan.
Bethany. (So cute!)
This is Enrique Jr ("Ki-que"), my Cousin Liz's son. (Also so cute!)
Lets just clarify right now that while asking "Why is Jordan doing that?" might be a very natural question to ask, it's also quite futile. "Because she is" is about all you're going to get. That said, here is Bethany and Jordan, letting her eyes be mirrors to everyone elses' soul.
Jesse opened the wine while my cousin Kimberly expresses all of our collective impatience. Boooooooooooooooze!
Kimmie is very good at pretending she doesn't see you setting up the shot and then moving something in the way at the last minute. (Enrique Sr, Liz's husband, looks on.)
Here is my cousin Liz holding Ki-que, while he flirts with Bethany.
Interesting fact. Jordan is the fastest text messenger IN. THE. WORLD.
Bekah laughs. A lot.
Jordan. Because she is.
It is impossible to be around Jordan for more than five minutes without some of her faces catching on, as Jesse demonstrates.
Ha. Finally. Totally worth the effort.
Now here is Jordan and Kimmie dancing. You might think that I'm a lame-o would can't figure out how to rotate the video, but in fact, they are dancing on the walls, Fred Astaire style. They're awesome like that.

We drove into town to drink tall drinks and sing karaoke. Bekah and I lead vocal exercises.
Here is video of the drive. You might begin to wonder what the connection between my cousins and the finger up the nose pose is, but really it's a locational thing. Vegas' dusty air makes your nose run, and then the dry heat freezes-dries it instantly, creating the perfect storm of booger.

Nobody is more surprised that I'm in Vegas than myself.My cousins introduced me to the game of Take-Pictures-Under-The-Stall-Doors. I caught on quickly.
This shot of Kimmie is my favorite.
But when I tried to take a picture of Jordan, I got this. Apparently she can levitate, and she never told any of us.
I tried to get a shot of Bekah, but then realized, hey, that's not Bekah. And maybe I'd better run now.

Much fun was had, the drinks were tall, and the karaoke patrons were very tolerant. We called ourselves Jesus Rodriquez and the Sweaty Boxes. We might go on tour.
On the way home, we discovered that six people fit a limo perfectly, and took it as a sign that we should always ride in them.
Liz and Enrique graciously put us up for the night, and Jordan I took the downstairs couches so we could giggle and whisper like 12 year old.
But being three AM, we dropped off pretty quickly.

This is Jordan when she first wakes up. I'd show you what I looked like, but I want to be kind to your eyes.
My cousin Tilla, who'd had to work the night before, joined us. She is so adorable, it's almost painful to look at her directly.
Since Jesse, Bethany and I all didn't think to bring swimsuits, we made a quick detour to Ross. I found a pretty cute suit and wrap, and some shoes that just needed to belong to me. They have bows on the toes. Picture soon.
I offered Bethany five bucks to get what was essentially the bikini version of this. (Picture here.) To her credit, she declined.

Liz and Enrique got a room at the Bellagio, so we could all use the pool there.
Here are Tilla and Ki-que.And Bekah and Christian (her son).This is Allie, Liz's daughter. I want to eat her.
Even the clouds knew that this was a momentous day, this aligning of some much McIlhenney in one place.
Speaking of the weather, this is my Uncle Art. He said that he cast a spell on the weather for us. I suppose this could be a sign that he's crazy, but *shrug* it was a lovely thought and a lovely day, so I choose to believe him. Always act as if things that should be true, are.
Our waiter must have wanted us to have a lovely time, he brought us each our drinks two at a time. Sometimes, it ain't so bad to be alive.

Happy Easter!/Happy Passover!/Happy Spring!

2007-04-06T11:24:00.000-07:00

CousinFest, Baby!!!!

2007-04-06T11:16:00.000-07:00

Wooooooooooooooooooo - hoooooooooooo!!!!!

Jesse and Bethany and I leave here in a few hours for McIlhenney CousinFest '07 in Las Vegas. Our itinerary is as follows.

Tonight - A group date with the sexy and mysterious twins, Mischief and Trouble.

Tomorrow - World Domination ThinkTank

Tomorrow night - Strategic withdrawal to our home bases (in time for J and B to teach Sunday School on Easter morning. We've got double lives to keep up here.)

And of course during break times, there are hookers and blow. But no gambling. That's just stupid. Hee.

Death and Taxes, preferably in that order.

2007-04-06T09:50:00.000-07:00

Last night I started doing my own taxes.

This is big.

For me, this is big.

The last time I attempted to do my own taxes, I tried to do them online and messed them up so badly that I was actually banned from doing them online again for the next three years.

You didn't know that could happen, did you?

I'm special.

A dose of Jonny, in letter form, in case you were having withdrawls.

2007-04-05T16:07:00.000-07:00

And who isn't, frankly.
Because Jonny rocks, just ask his fan club.

.... "My new flat is nice. While moving in to it has made me marginally richer in terms of money, far more significantly it has made me obscenely wealthy in terms of furniture. I now have three sofas, three chests of drawers, two wardrobes, on and a half beds, two kitchen tables (with chairs), three cookers and two fridges. Most of these were there when I arrived. My new landlord, who is also my colleague, and if he were any more laid back would actually be dead just said, "Yeah, whatever, you can have them," or words to that effect. So now I'm inundated by furniture. There are at least three dining chairs currently in the bathroom, and a cooker. I suppose next time I feel like making a bacon sandwich in the shower (as we all do at least on one occasion during the day) I will actually be able to. Electrocution? Not for me, I'm special."

Things I have a strange urge to cuddle with.

2007-04-05T15:11:00.000-07:00

Splinter!

The mountain goats at the zoo.

The coyote.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, dangerous wild animal, I know.
But I wove him.
He can drink my SoBe anyday.

If just one person rhymed it with "-tara" or "-clara," just once, but it's always "-bara."

2007-04-05T14:33:00.000-07:00

Radio Personality - "I think every name has a nickname that just seems so obvious that everyone with that name gets it at some point. Like my name is Monique, and everyone at some point calls me 'unique Monique.'"

Sarah Smile - *to Nick* "I don't think my name has an obvious nickname like that."

Radio Personality - *discussing other examples*

My Nick - "Sarah Smile?"

Sarah Smile - "I use that nickname for myself, nobody has ever called me that in person, unless I mentioned it first. So I don't think it counts. 'Sarah' doesn't rhyme with much so -"

Radio Personality - "Like, 'Sarah Bear-rah' ........"

Sarah Smile - *insta-riled*
*hackles up*
"Yeah, except for that. I HATE that. Why does EVERYONE immediately go there with my name? IT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE."

My Nick - "I had no idea you had so much emotion about this."

Sarah Smile - "Me neither. I always forget until someone says it."

'Splainin'.

2007-04-05T13:32:00.000-07:00

In case you were wondering what was up with my eleven posts yesterday, I should explain.

'Rezziekins challenged me to post ten times (*yawn* that's easy), and to include a secret message to her in each.

So perhaps this doesn't explain some of the things I said, but it should explain why they need an explanation.

You dig?

New Earrings!

2007-04-05T13:26:00.000-07:00

I love being a turtle.

2007-04-05T09:49:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to see the movie Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with my friend JPD.
JPD and I have known each other since we were born, really. Since TMNT was popular the first time around.
And you know what they say, you can't make old friends. Well, sometimes, but it only happens once upon 200 lifetimes.

The movie was exactly what it should be, silly and delicious. I think my favorite part was when April O'Neil is expressing shock that a 3,000 year old Mayan curse could be true, that there could be such a thing as monsters, and she's saying this to a giant, nun-chuck-wielding mutant turtle.
Without a hint of irony.

I loved it.

Afterwards JPD (I love that his initials make him sound like a police department) and got a cup of tea and he sweetly let me monopolize the conversation.

We talked about how, growing up, Jesse was the closest thing JPD had as brother, and Bug (JPD's sister) was the closest thing I knew to having a sister.

And what I wanted to say, what I couldn't find the words to say, what I've always wondered if they knew, was that I had always thought of JPD and Bug in the same way that I thought of Jesse. That link, that bond, that knowledge that there wasn't anything I wouldn't do for them, that in this crazy thing called life, we passed or failed together, like boot camp, that they were my responsibility as much as one person is to another, that we were a team, and if it came right down to it, it would be us versus the world.
That in short, we ARE the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Cowabunga!
(Hee.)

Wait. That IS bad, right?

2007-04-05T09:45:00.000-07:00

Movie Voiceover - ".... and so his generals were turned to stone."

Sarah Smile - "Well, THAT seems harsh."

JPD - "Huh?"

Sarah Smile - "Ooooooooooh, 'gennnerals.' Never mind."

June 20th

2007-04-04T16:41:00.000-07:00

Whatcha all doing on June 20th?

I've declared it the official Meet Other Bloggers Day.

Ask Miss VJ

2007-04-04T15:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Miss VJ,

So.... What special skills do I have?
I'm working on my resume for my audition tomorrow.

Help?

- Little Miss CJ

Dear Miss CJ,

You have so many special skills, so this is intended in no way to be a comprehensive list, just a few you might forget to add.

1. Pouting cutely. When I pout, I look like a belligerent cow. You look like a charming little duck. This is a skill.

2. Jazz hands. I'm seen you deploy them under all sorts of circumstances, while surprised, ill or that one time you were upside down. That is a skill.

3. A mean right jab. I should know, I taught you. It's a skill.

4. Wearing hats. You can. Which is a skill.

5. Act. Be sure to add that. It doesn't need an explanation either. They know it's a skill.

But most of all, just be your beautiful little lit-from-within self and they'll love you and adore you and want to roll you up in a burrito and eat you. Prolly cast you, too.

Adorably,
Miss VJ

*grimaces at the skull*

*whispers "Harry, are you ready for this love scene?"*

Next question, please!

I even know what I would name it.

2007-04-04T14:40:00.000-07:00

Systems Engineer - "So I know what sort of car you should drive."

Sarah Smile - *thinking 'please say ice cream truck'*

Systems Engineer - "Have you ever seen the movie Dumb and Dumber?"

Sarah Smile - "The dog car?"

Systems Engineer - "Yeah! You really should do that to your car."

Sarah Smile - "Yeah, but then your insurance company has to re-evaluate your car and your payment can go up."

Systems Engineer - "Really? Wait. Why do you know that?"

Sarah Smile - "I looked into it." *deep sigh*

Working.

2007-04-04T14:07:00.000-07:00

Spillover

2007-04-04T12:41:00.000-07:00

People often ask me if I answer my cell phone with the same greeting that I use all day at work.
To which I always respond, "No, are you kidding? I never answer my cell phone."

But my work as a receptionist has definitely spilled over into my private life in lots of ways. Not the least of which is .....

I never answer my cell phone. I love my job, but by the end of the day, I'm soooooooooo done talking on the phone.
When I pick a new hair cut, I make sure it will look ok with a headset.
When I end a conversation with a person standing in front of me at my desk, I often hit the headset button, as if 'hanging up' on our conversation.
I use my phone voice, never to my friends, but to anyone I want to impress.
I get annoyed when people let their phones ring. It needs to answered, like a crying baby needs to be comforted.
Sometimes I answer other people's phone, because the ringing to me is like an insistent tapping and someone calling my name, all at once.
I never buy a pair of pants without sitting down in them and letting my gut out.
I never worry about whether or not my shoes are work appropriate, since nobody sees them anyway. I'm like a newscaster.
I've graduated past being "a good liar," to an artist who works in the medium of Lie.
I can talk on the phone with my mouth full and you'd never know it. PRACTICE, man. I've gotten lots of practice multitasking.

The real reason comes out.

2007-04-04T12:30:00.000-07:00

Colsy says:
I want to have a daughter and name her Rio.

*plays Sims instead*

Sarah Smile says:
That's what you do when you think of a great name for a kid and are dying to use it?
I just get another pet.

Art

2007-04-04T11:52:00.000-07:00

I've always loved the art of Ted De Grazia. Somehow he manages to be subtle and colorful, all at once.

One of my favorite necklaces is handpainted with this design, titled Beautiful Burden.

The necklace was a gift from my Tiny Gramie, who lived near this artist as a child. She said he was cranky. You wouldn't think it to look at his work, would you?
I always feel so happy when I wear it.

There is an element of sheer wrongness to this photo, which was prolly unintended by the photographer and stylist.

2007-04-04T11:19:00.000-07:00

It just doesn't seem appropriate. Like wearing a wedding dress on an airplane.

It's prolly more interesting in my head, anyway.

2007-04-04T10:36:00.000-07:00

Sarah Smile - *walking by*

My Other Other Other Homie in Marketing - "......... and so now I keep my bedroom door locked."

Sarah Smile - "Do I wanna know?"

MOOOHiM - "Prolly not"

Sarah Smile - "Ok. I can accept that."

I can't decide.

2007-04-04T10:16:00.000-07:00

This one?

Or this one?

Perhaps the obvious answer is BOTH, and let them hang in a closet next to each other like cigarette girl and a glamorous actress meeting in a speakeasy in 1923.

Just goes to prove that a woman can turn anything a man says into him calling her fat.

2007-04-04T09:43:00.000-07:00

Chinese Resturant Cashier - "Ok, and that'll be all?"

Sarah Smile - "Oh, add an order of crab rangoon."
*takes two straws and two sets of chopsticks*

Cashier - "So. This for your family ............... or having a party?"

Sarah Smile - *completely misses that he's fishing to see if she's single* "Why? Is that a lot of food for two people?"

Cashier - *turns a bit red* "Uh, not really, I guess, if you're hungry....."

Sarah Smile - "It's just that my boyfriend has been sick and now he's finally able to eat real food, so I wanted him to have whatever he wanted, you know, to be a good girlfriend and all-"

Cashier - "Next!"

Adventure

2007-04-03T11:47:00.000-07:00

Ten AM on Sat morning, I'm showering, getting ready to head up to the lovely MK's place to help her move.
Nick pokes his head in. "I'm leaving for my bike ride."
We say a quick goodbye.*

Five minutes later (no really, I get ready pretty quick, I'm low-maintainance [lazy?] that way) I was gathering my things together and couldn't find my car keys.
Anywhere.

After a thorough ransacking of my own house, I realized that Nick must have left with them, by accident. Along with the only working phone in the house at the moment. (Winston has complex emotional issues that keep him from functioning normally from time to time. I'm understanding, because frankly, I have days like that too sometimes.)

So Nick had my keys and I couldn't call him, or go find him.

I had no choice but to sit and wait.

Was I annoyed? Frustrated a bit I suppose, but only until the moment Nick opened the door, wheezing and apologizing. He'd ridden for an hour and a half, stuck his hand in his pocket,* realized he had the keys, and gotten all the way back home (uphill) in only 45 minutes. I couldn't be upset.

I called MK and told her I was NOW on my way.
Winston revived, and I asked Nick to text me MK's number because I didn't have it in my phone, only his.

A little over two hours later, I called MK to let her know I was in front of her old apartment. It went straight to voice mail. Nobody was there.

I did some Fill-In puzzles,* soaked up so sun, left a few more messages for MK. Two hours later, I was officially frustrated. It was now after 4pm. I called Nick and asked him to double check the number he'd text to me.

Oops. There was the trouble. Nick had sent the wrong number and I'd been leaving messages for some random person.
Nick felt really bad, but hey, how could I be mad? I make ridiculous mistakes all the time, like the time I killed Nick's hard-drive, or hogtied myself to my own desk.*

I called the real MK, got directions to her new place, and arrived just in time to not have to carry anything upstairs. Sweet.

General arranging and unpacking ensued, mostly of heads* (MK has lots of them). Also mischief, and one game of Hangman which I believe was pivotal in the unseen war of Good vs. Evil. Also, a margarita. Also, the words, "unlike most people I wouldn't define 'terrible' and 'awesome' as being at opposite ends of a spectrum." Also, shirt swapping. * Also, poodle swapping.

Naturally, most of my pictures were erased by the KGB, fearful of incrimination, but one survived.
It's of the boobie power plant* on the way up.
I call it, "Boobies in the Mist."

So. All that just to say that I think I'm going to keep prank calling that number I thought was MK's.

*not a euphemism

Yoga with a cat....

2007-04-03T11:12:00.000-07:00

Were you expecting Ed McMahon? Perhaps a Jehovah's Witness?

2007-04-03T10:33:00.000-07:00

Sarah Smile - *in the bathroom*

*phone rings*

My Nick - *answers*
"Hello?"
*pause*
"Ok, one minute."
*knocks on the bathroom door*

Sarah Smile - "Who is it?"

*long pause*

Sarah Smile - "Who is it on the phone, I mean. I DO realize you're the only person in the house."

Could I get a doctors note, addressed to the internet?

2007-04-03T10:15:00.000-07:00

I know, I sorta disappeared from the blog-o-sphere yesterday.
I didn't die or run out of things to say (ha!).

I had to take my poor Knickers to the doctor. He's ok, or rather he will be very soon. Turns out he had strep, poor guy. He's been living on Popsicles and tomato soup for the past two days. He's at home again today because he's still contagious, but he seemed to be feeling a lot better this morning.

So yay(!) for that, and yay(!) for being back!

Oh, and our pharmacist looks exactly like Jamie Kennedy. I'm still not sure it isn't him. It's really unnerving when you're sick. I keep thinking he's going to hand us a bottle with a skull on it, just as cameras swoop in on you as you're sniffling and wearing slippers.

NOT a tale of animal cruelty.

2007-04-02T10:51:00.000-07:00

Helpful Friend - "I'm thirsty."

Miss Kendra - "There's diet Coke in the fridge."

Sarah Smile - "And champagne in the poodle."

Helpful Friend - *confused look*

- one hour later -

Helpful Friend - *pulls head off poodle* "Ooooooooooooooo. There really IS champagne in the poodle."

This sounds like Nick and I, respectively.

2007-03-30T15:09:00.000-08:00

Cynics regarded everybody as equally corrupt... Idealists regarded everybody as equally corrupt, except themselves.

- Robert Anton Wilson

Maybe that's what Britney meant about her baby being her religion.

2007-03-30T14:00:00.000-08:00

Sarah Smile:
Have you ever tried to meditate with a puppy around?

Therese:
have you ever successfully meditated with a puppy around?

Sarah Smile:
He keeps sticking his tongue down my ear.

Therese:
*laughs*

Sarah Smile:
But I figure all that giggling is almost as good for you as meditating.

Therese:
*smile*
it totally is.

Hurts so good.

2007-03-30T13:18:00.000-08:00

I've found a new yoga sequence that's both simple and challenging, and leaves just enough of a burn in your muscles the next day to feel like you really DID something, without hobbling you or making you want to whimper.

Wanna try it? (Don't forget to warm up and cool down.)

Downward Facing Dog, Warrior I, Plank Push-Up
Tones and shapes all major muscles and improves balance

A. From Cat position, move into Downward Dog by tucking toes, pressing palms into floor, and lifting hips. Straighten legs and press heels down. Hold for 10 to 15 breaths.

B. From there, step forward with right foot (keeping palms on the floor, left leg extended) and bend right knee (knee should be directly over ankle). Come up and extend arms overhead to perform Warrior I (see image). Go back into Downward Dog by bending at hips, planting hands on floor at each side of right foot, stepping right foot back, and lifting hips.

C. Shift into a modified Plank pose by dropping knees onto floor. Body should form straight line from head to knees, and hands should be directly beneath shoulders.

D. Do a Plank Push-Up by bending elbows back, close to ribs. Slowly lower chest toward floor. Press back up to Plank position. Lift hips back into Dog. Repeat sequence, this time stepping left foot forward into Warrior I. Repeat sequence 10 times per side.

The only problem ...

2007-03-30T13:15:00.000-08:00

.......... with letting Nick make you a Farrah wig out of yellow post-its stuck to your head on the long drive home, is that it's so lightweight that you're apt to forget about it and wonder why the people at the gas station are staring at you.

Someone keep us from going down to the shelter. No, really. I don't think we can be trusted.

2007-03-30T12:24:00.000-08:00

My Nick - "[Company name], this is Nick. How can I help you?"

Sarah Smile - "Hey hun, it's me."

My Nick - "Oh hi. What's up?"

Sarah Smile - *deep breath* "Nick, I need you to just tell me NO."

My Nick - "NO."

Sarah Smile - "But if you could see her eyes and her ......... protruding ribs and .................. THAT FACE ........."

My Nick - "Yes."

Happiness is new earrings.

2007-03-30T10:56:00.000-08:00

I bought them at a flea market a few weeks, and they make me feel ......
.... like myself.
Like I match my own blog.

Good thing I like that song.

2007-03-30T09:48:00.000-08:00

My Nick - *setting up voice dialing on his cell phone* "Call ............. Mobile one ............. Mobile two ............. Home ............ Work ............"

Sarah Smile - *turns down the radio* "Now you're never going to able to make a call unless someone is singing 'her name is Rio and she dances on the sand' in the background."

My castle in Spain

2007-03-29T14:03:00.000-08:00

When I was a little girl, we had an exchange student from Spain one summer. I wanna say his name was Ivan, and my brother broke his arm that summer. Or wait. Was that Ivan who broke his arm? Poor Ivan, I think it was him.
Anyway.

One of the things Ivan brought us from Spain was one of those large coffee table books, of pictures of Spain. It captured my childish imagination. Since the book was in spanish, I understood very little of the photo captions.

One image in particular stayed in my mind, long after the book was lost or given away. It was of a hall of arches, arches that looked like brick candy canes. The light was warm and dim. And it looked endless. The floor was some sort of marble. I remember the picture, right down to the dust on the lens of the camera that took it.

And I would lose myself in daydreams of dancing there. I always knew that if I could have a castle someday, I would have a room of just arches, like that. Nothing else. And I would dance in it.

And this daydream stayed with me into adulthood. A place I could conjure at will, as I was driving or falling asleep. A "castle in spain." It was all very Blue Castle (my favorite book). By the time it occurred to me to find where this place I remembered actually was, I had no idea where the book had gone.

I always hoped that someday, I'd find it while backpacking in Spain, quite unexpectedly, on a hot afternoon.

Instead, a picture of it came up on my daily Photos of Sacred Places box on my Google homepage. Turns out my castle in Spain is actually a church in Spain.

I actually said, "That's it!" rather loudly, and looked around the lobby to see if anyone was around to share it with. (Sadly no.) And then I actually cried a bit, with joy.

So many of the things we remember from our childhood lose their magic over the years, or seem smaller than we remember. But not so with my hall of arches.
And now I know that someday, some hot afternoon, I WILL go there.
And dance.
Of all the gods that have been worshiped there over the years, I'm certain none will mind. Because a part of me has always worshiped there.

Is it wrong to out your cat?

2007-03-29T13:07:00.000-08:00

I mentioned earlier that my cat sleeps on a pile of purses in my closet. This might lead you to suspect what I've known all along, that my Mau is gay. (All together now folks, "Not that there's anything wrong with that.")

But rather than discuss his fondness for baby carrots and tufu, or he complete lack of sexual interest in Dulce, his beard wife, I'll just post actual photographic evidence.

It's ok, Mau. We all know, and we all accept you.

Doesn't this house look like two little houses smooshed together?

2007-03-29T12:23:00.000-08:00

And don't the two parts look like a skinny old man, and a fat old lady?
Leaning on each other?
Doesn't the window on the front door look like a brooch on her shirt?

I love it.

I've always wanted to tattoo it in a spiral up my arm.

2007-03-29T10:38:00.000-08:00

[Infinite Love] is a weapon of matchless potency.
It is the "summum bonum" of Life.
It is an attribute of the brave, in fact it is their all.
It does not come within the reach of the coward.
It is no wooden or lifeless dogma but a living and life-giving force.
It is the special attribute of the heart.

- Mahatma Gandhi -

Music of the Day

2007-03-29T09:59:00.000-08:00

Crazy Love by Poco.

This is one of those songs that I often find myself humming, not a passing obsession but one of my all time favorites. Enjoy!

Well, HELLO and GOOD MORNING to you too.

2007-03-29T08:05:00.000-08:00

"What the hell?" said Nick.

Something large and furry stepped on my face, danced around on my hair on the pillow, finally coming to a rest with a wiggling, full body cuddle between Nick and I.

Two facts registered through the sleep fog.
It was three AM, and this was NOT Luca.

I opened my eyes and thought fast.

My bed? Check.

My house? Check.

My dog? No.

Somehow the neighbor's dog Kylie (yeah, that Kylie) had gotten in. Perhaps we left the door open, but Kylie is one hell of a smart dog and it wouldn't surprise me if she figured out how to open our kitchen door.
As Nick escorted her out, and Luca hovered nervously, no doubt worried that his friend's bad behavior might reflect on him, I searched for the Dulce and Mau. (Kylie's a sweetheart, and I would have let her stay, but she has a hard time resisting the urge to chase the cats.)

I found Mau in his new favorite perch, sleeping on a stack of purses in the closet. He only bothered to open one eye to view all the chaos. I expected to find Dulce clinging to the ceiling, but luckily she was only mildly ruffled by the tornado of dog that had blown through.

As we all dropped back into bed, Nick said, "sorry," assuming he'd left the door ajar earlier. But as he and Luca and I all melted into a sleepy pile with Dulce on top like a cherry, all I could do was smile.

Evidence

2007-03-28T15:30:00.000-08:00

Chamook says:
I suck at keeping secrets

Sarah Smile says:
I rock at it.
Like, I never told about ......... or the .........., or when she ...............
See?

I'm gonna check this place out before I go.

2007-03-28T12:16:00.000-08:00

A man just came in and gave me a stack of these.

This isn't going to be like the free mammogram van at the mall, is it?

I'm so in love with my google home page.

2007-03-28T11:23:00.000-08:00

I added this, because it slays me. It's like Crazy! In Real Time! And the UFOs all look so friendly and cheerful.

It's got art! And coloring pages! A spanish word of the day, a love quote of the day and a Buddhist thought of the day.

I want to print it out and roll around on it and sniff it.

I've been attacked.

2007-03-28T08:18:00.000-08:00

It was just like they always warn us on Dateline.

I was in the grocery store parking lot, getting into my car, when I got a sharp blow to the back of my head, throwing my face into the doorframe of the car.

And again, just like they always say, I knew my assailant.

And that is why I'm able to draw the following sketch from memory.

Please, if you spot the culprit, please call.

We have new suggestion boxes.

2007-03-28T08:15:00.000-08:00

I wonder if this means I'm still banned.

Hee.

*mutters "office bunny" and "snuggles" as she jots down a list*

One year ago........

2007-03-27T15:32:00.000-08:00

....... to the day, the most legendary virtual houseparty ever.

Attendees included -

Col
Fred
Jon
Chamook
josh leo
Edwin, the talking circus horse
Ringmaster
The Butler
Feathers
Migrating Butterflies, Lee stayed sober to drive
babblingdweeb
Pink Elephants
Paula
Simon
Randy Jackson, who forgot his name
Harrison Ford
Closet door
Radiohead
The couch
Belinda
Liquor
Givers
Thérèse
Random person walking by
Ghandi
Cafe mocha grande
Fire Engine
The Phone
Fakin’ It Girl Band
Bake Town
Another Drink
Tequila
Law
The Tabloids
‘Rez
Green Jello in the pool
Pale Green Veil
Inflatable Duck (from ‘Rez’s blog)
Party Police
melissa.in.london
Butane Bottle
Stan
Klye
Cartman
Chuck F. Norris
Ruan
Dem Soldier
Chocolate Sauce
Peppermint Schnapps
Khow
Oprah
Martha Stewart
Sleep
Confetti
Glitter Cannon

So if you wanna have a kick ass party, there's your invite list.

And you're all invited to the reenactment party, as soon as Nick and I can find a firetruck and a pool we can fill with jello.

I'll sit by the phone and wait.

2007-03-27T13:54:00.000-08:00

Supplier - *signing in*
*cell phone rings*
"Hello? ............ Hmmm."
*hangs up*
"I've been getting the strangest calls lately. I pick up and it's just ice cream truck music."

Sarah Smile - *splutters* "Wha ............ it ................. they ................. WHY DON'T THEY CALL MEEEEE? Next time they call, give them my number!!!!!!"

Actually, I WOULD still have a job. I just say that to sound badass. Is it working?

2007-03-27T11:57:00.000-08:00

Sarah Smile - "Good morning, [company name], this is Sarah, how can I help you?"

Favorite Salesguy - "It's me, Peaches."

Sarah Smile - "HI! How are you?"

Favorite Salesguy - "Stuck in an airport. Elch."

Sarah Smile - "That sucks."

Favorite Salesguy - "I wish."

Sarah Smile - "Hahahahaha."

Favorite Salesguy - "I hope they don't record these calls."

Sarah Smile - "I'm going to say what a bus driver said to me once, when I pointed out a security camera after he asked 'Do you want to drive the bus?' He said, 'If they were recording, do you think I'd still have a job?'"

Colsy says I should blog about trees.

2007-03-27T10:56:00.000-08:00

More specifically, my favorite tree.

When she asked, it was very easy to think of my favorite tree.
While I have had many love affairs with different trees in my life, (and one love affair in a tree, but that's another story) there is one tree I can still sketch (badly) from memory.

My favorite tree is an avocado tree. And no, it's not my favorite because avocados are my favorite food group. Although partly.
It was in the orchard in our yard, growing up, at what is now Bunny's house.
Avocado trees in general kick ass as climbing trees for a couple of reasons.
One, they grow really strong and unique main limbs.
Two, they're like a tent. All the small branches and leaves are out at the ends of the tree. It's like a natural treehouse.

Of all the trees in the orchard, this tree was my favorite.
A was like a natural little hammock. I could (and often did) lounge there for hours with a book and an apple.
B was low enough that I could coax my dogs to jump up and hang out with me for awhile.
Sometimes I could even get them to walk out to the end of C with me, and lie in wait for some to walk past.

That tree was my clubhouse, my pirate ship, my deserted island, my castle, my lair.
And sometimes when I'm at Bunny's, I climb it again, always expecting to run into a skinny, skinned-knee, apple-clutching, 11-year-old version of myself up there.

Music of the Day

2007-03-27T09:59:00.000-08:00

Pam Tillis, Spilled Perfume, Let That Pony Run, and Maybe It Was Memphis.

In 50 words or less.....

2007-03-27T08:41:00.000-08:00

DayDreamer's husband, The Scientist, says that he read that if you say more than 50 words an hour to your cat, you're crazy.

I say that if you stick to the same 50, and just repeat them, you're ok. If you limit your vocab to 50, then you're obviously not seeking the answer to life's mysteries, you're just chatty.

Right?

I counted, and I can say pretty much everything I need to say to my cats in a mere 17 words. No really. I counted. (And alphabetized.)

a
aren’t
come
Dulce/Mau
here
hungry
in
kittykins
lap
little
mama’s
my
pretty/handsome
scratchy-scratch
tuna
want
you

This needs to belong to me.

2007-03-26T16:03:00.000-08:00

I think it will feel the same sense of emptiness I'm feeling, until we are brought together.

Why I have so many Mexican flags.

2007-03-26T15:33:00.000-08:00

My friend Nick (not to be confused with My Nick) always has fascinating stories. Like the times he babysat the Olsen twins or when a drunken Lisa Loeb tried to stick her tongue down his throat. Stories you would totally doubt unless you knew him. Nick is the sort of person to whom things happen. Happen with a capital H.
And he's had some of the oddest odd jobs imaginable. Like chef, or bicycle thief.

For a while, he was temping for a company that outsourced trash pickup along freeways. He told me that the two most common things he'd find were Mexican flags, and bottle of pee.

Which made me nervous every time he'd tell me he had "found me a present."

Be proud of me.

2007-03-26T12:06:00.000-08:00

On Sat, at Nick's urging, I took a bike ride with him. My initial reaction was that there was no way I would make it up that hill on the bike, that I'd end up pushing the bike while simultaneously dying.

But he said he believed in me, and by golly I DID IT.

Of course, he ended up literally pushing me for the last part, and the last few feet, I actually crawled, but still.

I DID IT.

So now I'm eating french fries.

Monologue

2007-03-26T10:22:00.000-08:00

"So I was soaking in the tub for ages, and decided when I was done to take a shower to rinse off, and so I drained the tub and turned on the shower and the water was cold so I thought to myself, 'this is what poor Nick complains about since he takes his morning shower after me' and I resolved to take shorter showers for your sake, and then I realized that there WAS some hot water left, it just needed to run for a minute so I learned my lesson AND still got to take a hot shower, so it all ended happily."

Song of the Day

2007-03-26T10:10:00.000-08:00

No Children by The Mountain Goats

It is, hands down, the best breakup song EVER, but it slays me, cracks me up, whatever my mood might be. I'm including the lyrics here, but you really need to hear the snappy banjo to get the full effect.

I hope that our few remaining friends
give up on trying to save us.
I hope we come out with a fail-safe plot
to piss off the dumb few that forgave us.

I hope the fences we mended
fall down beneath their own weight.
And I hope we hang on past the last exit,
I hope it's already too late.

And I hope the junkyard a few blocks from here
someday burns down.
And I hope the rising black smoke carries me far away,
and I never come back to this town again.

In my life, I hope I lie,
and tell everyone you were a good wife.
And I hope you die,
I hope we both die.

I hope I cut myself shaving tomorrow;
I hope it bleeds all day long.
Our friends say it's darkest before the sun rises;
we're pretty sure they're all wrong.

I hope it stays dark forever,
I hope the worst isn't over.
And I hope you blink before I do,
and I hope I never get sober.

And I hope when you think of me years down the line,
you can't find one good thing to say.
And I'd hope that if I found the strength to walk out,
you'd stay the hell out of my way.

I am drowning.
There is no sign of land.
You are coming down with me,
hand in unlovable hand.

And I hope you die,
I hope we both die.

"No Girls Allowed."

2007-03-26T09:11:00.000-08:00

I don't like Fry's Electronics.
No, they didn't have a 'no girls allowed sign.' Although I wish they would have.

Something about that place makes me feel like I'm treading water in jello. The employees look miserable, bustling around like if they stopped moving, they'd have to admit how hung over they were. Everyone seems lost, and the few that aren't are bumping and bouncing through the rest of us like a ball in a fooseball table. It never ends. Did you know that place has fifty cash registers? Fifty. And yet somehow we still spent an eternity in line.

And that's where we met the crazy man. He was standing behind us in line, and when I took a picture of a sign saying that our Fry's receipt may contain a chemical known to cause cancer ("Yes, I'm here to return my cancer and yes, I have my receipt..."), he used the opportunity to strike up a conversation with Nick about his unicycling shirt. He wanted to start a unicycling club with Nick. Every time he'd ask something, we'd end our response with, "Ok, well, you have a great day now," and turn around, only to be asked another question.
It quickly became apparent that the sort of club he wanted to start with Nick would probably involve a tree house, a 'no girls allowed' sign, and him using Nick's skin as a lampshade.

Once outside, we hid in a far corner of the parking lot until he left.

Dirty, dirty laundry.

2007-03-26T08:51:00.000-08:00

Sarah Smile - *lugs in a basket of wet laundry and throws it in the dryer* "So. That was weird."

My Nick - "The laundrymat?"

Sarah Smile - "It was pretty laundrymatish. I mean the people there."

My Nick - "No shit."

Sarah Smile - "Yeah, but not like that. It was all women there today, and they were so freakin' nice to me. Like, they didn't even acknowledge each other, but they fell all over themselves to talk to me. Show me the open washers, tell me to avoid the one with the wooky spin cycle, stuff like that. One woman, with a toddler on her hip, hefted up a giant basket of wet clothes up almost over her head to give me more room to pass by her, and I already had plenty of space. It was nice, and almost .......... ok, it was creepy."

My Nick - "It makes perfect sense. You're new. Therefore, you're the only woman that they could each know for sure hadn't slept with their husbands."

Music of the Day

2007-03-23T14:56:00.000-08:00

Good Day, by Kunek.

I want trophies for these.

2007-03-23T14:15:00.000-08:00

I am the 20th search result for "bigfoot-friend."

I am the 4th search result for "Trombone girl."

And the number one search result for "sarah bad."

*throw head back and laughs

I'm 'specially proud of that last one.
NUMBER ONE, BABY!!!!

Sure. Hit 'em in the head with a 2x4.

2007-03-23T12:58:00.000-08:00

Sarah Smile - "Good morning, [Company name], this is Sarah, how can I help you?"

Caller - "I'd like to speak with someone about getting an employee injury approved."

*pause*

Sarah Smile - "I really hope you mean treatment ......"

My stomach hurts .........

2007-03-23T11:26:00.000-08:00

....... and I just noticed that I'm making the exact same noise as the lawnmower being pushed around by a maintenance guy out front.

His humor keeps me sane.

2007-03-23T11:14:00.000-08:00

This morning on the way to work, Nick rolled down his window and yelled to a man working on a roof, "DON'T DO IT! YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And we laughed all the rest of the way to work.
Thanks to Nick, I actually enjoy the two hours a day we spend on the road, in bumper to bumper traffic.

And that?
That's love.

I'm so ruined for bitch about your job sessions.

2007-03-23T08:45:00.000-08:00

Seriously, it's this bonding thing among friends, and I got nothing.
Nada.
Zip.

When everyone is talking about their boss's ridiculous rules or annoying habits, what am I supposed to say?

"When he hired me, my boss insisted on giving me more money that I asked for."

"My boss always reminds me to take my vacation time."

"My boss counsels married couples in his off time. For free."

"My boss gives me a raise about every six months."

"My boss surprises me sometimes with chunks of stock."

"My boss never bugs me, but drops everything and gives me his undivided attention if I need something."

"My boss rescues puppies."

I mean, seriously. Can't he at least have an annoying voice or something that I could make fun of? A often used phrase that I could do imitations of? GIVE ME SOMETHING HERE. Every employee is entitled to that. Like health insurance.
This is so bad for my social life.

He's a good sport.

2007-03-22T15:47:00.000-08:00

Jesse - "Lets get together this sunday night. What do you wanna do?"

Sarah Smile - "Ooooo, get pizza and go watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles at the drive in?!"

Jesse - "Surrrrrrrrrrre, we could do that ........... or something else. Or that, we could. Yeah. Or something else ............"

Women TALK.

2007-03-22T14:22:00.000-08:00

Jesse - "Oh, I'm an uncle now!"

Sarah Smile - "Pfft. That's old news. Even to my blog readers."

Jesse - "Oh."

Sarah Smile - "Say hi to Bethany for me."

And yes, I agree. Facebook is dumb.

2007-03-22T13:37:00.000-08:00

Thérèse:
is "cause it's lame" a good enough reason not to join Facebook?
Or do you suppose I need to qualify that with "cause it's lame and I am sick of joining things it takes to much energy"?

......................

......................

Sarah Smile:
Sorry, I was at lunch.

Thérèse:
VEAJAE.
NEVER, EVER apologize for lunch.
Lunch is sacred.

Sarah Smile:
You're right of course.
And yes, that's a good enough reason.
I think most decisions in life don't require an explanation.

I blame the sugar rush from the M&M's that our 'Rhymes with Bentel' Rep gave me.

2007-03-22T11:42:00.000-08:00

"Self Portrait" in Candy, 2007

"Home" in Candy, 2007

Done here.
This is thought provoking art here, people. For example, the first one probes the mystery, 'why on earth DON'T I own saddle shoes?'

Today has been a good day.

2007-03-22T11:24:00.000-08:00

Our 'Rhymes with Bentel' Rep brought me a big bag 'o swag, including a candy, a magnetic dart game and a lightup pen. And who doesn't like a lightup pen?

"Oooooooooooooooo, I can do crossword puzzles in the dark now."

*blank look*

"I'm excited about that."

*blank look* "Ok. So that's good then."

He likes me, even if he never really understands me.

A childhood friend looked me up on myspace! I'd actually tried to find her a few months ago, with no luck, and now she found me!
After 17 years, I recognized her instantly.

This morning one of the engineers called me "Poet of his heart." I have no idea what that means, really, but it's sweet.

And I'm eating leftover chicken wings from On The Border.
All's right with the world.